We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
