wrigley field is MILF paradise
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
