He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
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