actually, I'm a sock model
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
