I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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