it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
