Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
