White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
