I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
