New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
