Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
