No stitches, just platelets and will power
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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