apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
