The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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