I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
