i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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