just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
