I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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