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i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Randomize
