peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
