This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
