I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
