How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
