I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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