everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
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