Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
Four minutes until I can fart!
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Randomize
