woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
