i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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