I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
