I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
