he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
