just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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