YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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