In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
