I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
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