The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
