someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Randomize
