So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
worst night to have a conscience
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
