He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
