I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
