it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Randomize
