we have officially lost it.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Randomize
