I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
