Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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