Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
