i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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