i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
