I accidentally burped into my bong.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
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