awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
