Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
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